Our Loss

It was heartbreaking for us to learn that our baby at 12 weeks old was not at the right size and the heartbeat has ceased. We found out at our scheduled normal gynae appointment last night.
It was painful emotionally to see for the last time the ultra scan picture of that little adorable foetus curled up there but lifeless as the doppler machine confirmed it again that the heartbeat was gone.
The D & C was performed and the baby is gone.
There are many questions that I have in my mind. Many answers that I try to search for.
There are times where I feel that I am strong and times where I crumble and fall and cry like never before.
There were moments where Aung and I joke about why it happened in the funniest notion only to try to make each other at ease and that it is ok and no one's fault.
I know God do things for a reason. I know that God controls the living and the dead. I know that as a christian and as a child of God, I will trust and obey and understand that in all things God will not leave me. Suddenly I fear what this God can do. The power of this God to take back what he has given, his authorities and his unfathomable ways. I feel like shivering under my blanket, trying to hide away from Him.

As I stayed in bed last night, waiting for dawn to break and calming myself for the D & C for tomorrow. I looked at Maoster fast asleep beside me and I am so frightened. I prayed so hard that God will not take Maoster away from me. It was really tough to lose a child. I hope i don't have to experience it twice in my lifetime.