Are you missing the "shoes"?

This is NOT the Cinderella story although what I was hoping for was exactly a Cinderella's ending - A HAPPY EVER AFTER.

Aung and I have been married for coming 11 years and we dated for 7 and that make us in today's fast paced and ever changing environment a pretty darn long time. I cannot remember honestly how was life before him, nor am I ever thinking how will my life be in the future with him. In fact, I do not think very much about him. As a person, as a partner, as a lover, as a dad, as a friend. Honestly, I stopped "thinking". It is pretty much like, you stopped tracking how much water you drink per day or how many times did you pee in a day. You know you do it and you know the importance of it but you just do not put your mind into something so "basic".

Then, there are the offsprings. And other people's offsprings ( almost 120 of them this Semester). Then there is the "new role" at work that is on my mind. I mean there are 101 things going on my mind and yet there is nothing on my mind (it is very complex, I tell you this grey matter of mine). In the end, I realized, between my Aung and I we stopped. In the middle of all this building a home, raising children and hope, the "exchanges" stopped, the "conversations" stopped. Without us knowing, the fizz in the coke is gone!

I didn't know it until Clarks told me so.

Aung bought a pair of shoes 2 weeks ago. It was a pair of tracking shoes he bought (tracking????) and after that, he placed it in the study room. On Monday, we went to J8 to get dinner and told him that his work shoes are a wreck and we should pop in to buy a pair of shoes if we have time. So we went to Hush puppies and he got a pair of shoes and we walked around and I asked him if he would want to get another pair of casual shoes and stuff like that and we went back home. When we reached home, Aung's mom exclaimed, " Why did we get another pair of shoes when Aung just bought a pair of new shoes?" She had assumed, I know about the shoes.

The shoes? What shoes? Aung took them out from the study room and showed me his "tracking" shoes and said, " they are not my usual shoes. I was thinking about them. They were on sale. I didn't know what to do with them and he laughed."  I wasn't laughing.

Something stirred in me that night. I couldn't quite sleep. No, I wasn't upset that Aung had bought a "senseless" pair of shoes. What shocked me was that, he didn't talk to me about buying the pair of shoes, He didn't tell me that he was looking at the shoes when he was thinking about them. He didn't even mentioned it when we were looking at shoes the very evening. I was honestly upset that we stopped "living" together.

Was it his fault? Not really. Perhaps the "small things" in life are not worth mentioning anymore because we have BIGGER things ( like when is the date of the excursion for the boys that we better remember). We used to have sms exchanges throughout the day sharing about stupid things and exciting things but because of work and stuff ( sometimes we do not reply or it seems mundane), we stopped totally.

Was it my fault? Perhaps. I am always so drowned in my world or busy playing with my friends that I do not stop and listen or even communicate. When we discuss things, the "boss" in me will normally go straight to the solution or convey my decision that there is no need for discussion etc.


I told Aung how I felt and what I feel. Guess it is a good start. I am thankful and grateful that Aung is always willing to embark on the "better" of us with positivity and tenderness. He did not brush it off and say , " Come on woman, it was just a pair of shoes! Just get on with LIFE! There is absolutely nothing wrong with us?" Instead, he texted me that I am such a big part of my life and the most interesting bun around.

This is really something to reflect upon as we are celebrating our 11th wedding anniversary at the corner of this month. Coke is not coke without fizz.

That's what Clarks told me. Thank God for that stupid pair of tracking shoes - They definitely put back some stuff on track!

 

Outdated Romance

Saturday, December 14, 2002

Dear Bun,

This is our diary... hopefully the start of a habit of writing thoughts about one another in a non - animal fighting way....

cheers...

TENtatively

Aungs are turning legally 10 this year in September. Although, rather weirdly, we cannot find our marriage certificate and therefore although we are legally married and binded together, there is NO way I can proof it to you unless I pay to get a duplicate copy of our certificate.

I digress. The main reason of me even blogging about it is, I have been thinking, that since it is our tenth year, I really wanna do something to celebrate our persistence in being together and writing it down should be the best way to organise thoughts (and so I teach). Going on a holiday has been on my mind but parental duties seemed to be in the way. Not only that stupid F1 will definitely make hotel rates sky high in Sept if we are planning a staycation (Ironically, my school or rather my dept  is largely responsible for the F1 happening in Singapore). And I want to be happy. If I wait for Aung to plan ( or not to plan), I will end up miserable and feeling unloved and all. So I am coming up with 10 things that I  we should do sans the children.

1. Dress up and go for dinner at a nice restaurant.
2. Go for a swim and enjoy some sun
3. Watch a decent adult movie that does not come with any morale values. Give me violence, give me blood, give me some sexual scenes and oh baby, I wanna hear some F word. You sort of get it?
4. Go shopping. Try on some clothes instead of buying them online. Try some shoes, try some accessories, get some sanity and wear some socks without holes in them.
5. Wake up without being woken up. Enough said.
6. Watch TV till I fall asleep.
7. I would like to do some massage but Aung hates it. So massage is OFF.
7. Go out late at night and have some wine. Get drunk. Get laid and then do point 5.
8. ?
9.?
10?

This is absolutely spot on. I have NO idea and this is really BAD!

It is so hard to think of 10 things to do!!!!!!!

Gosh, I think we will just end up with 1 and then wait for the next decade to try to do this stuff again. Or anyone who actually reads my  blog has any suggestions? Wait, does ANYONE actually reads my blog? Or is it only me and void and this space. Say hi? Okay.... u are not there.... okay... NO ONE is actually there......just like my 10 to do list.

I should just stop writing because it is NOT helping me to organise my thoughts and find me 10 things to do!


 

When the sun comes down on you

what can you do?

That was what we thought when Jon's mother had a series of medical issues that started with a fall, then giddy spells, the weak legs and the 1 week stay at the hospital.

Suddenly I looked at the 72 years old with a different light. Somewhat warmer light.

Since I became an Aung, we have always lived with her. She is quiet and shy and very highly opinionated in her strong, quiet ways. I would say we have lived quite well together, because she has pretty much left us alone. Her independence and her love for her child would be what I will remember her by if the fateful day comes.

We are glad that the fateful day did not come as yet, that the Lord had been compassionate enough to allow more good years of her with us. However, suddenly thoughts of the roles reversing and that we have to take an active role is not one that does not send shivers down my spine. We are looking at a domestic helper in the years to come and as well as more medical options for her. All these comes not only with additional costs to our already pretty hard commitments but emotionally and physically, it will be rather draining. This is woe of an only child. Well, if Aung had experienced 100% of everything that need not be shared by another sibling, it is then right that he also take 100% of his mother in her golden days. This past few weeks made my MIL a more emotional person than a logical person that she normally is - she praises me more often and behaves more affectionate with the grandchildren. I wonder at the end of my time on earth, how would I be?

The dragon old lady with her dragon warrior.

When the sun comes down on you, well you can also run. ( lame, I know but I am lame after the run too)

Sundown 2014 was the first run after The new 2.4km attempt. Since January this year, I have been trying to keep up with an exercise regimen. Thanks to my new school that comes with almost everything (gym, pool, track & colleagues that are exercise freaks), I am somewhat conditioned to exercise. Of cos, no one exercises for the sake of health! There has been some results although I guess the results might be better if I change my diet. But, that is never going to happen. Laksa & prata is my staple for bf and although I know this will lead me to never changing my wardrobe but at least I stay true to my local delights.

Anyway, my goal for Sundown 10km was not to stop running. Previously when I did my first 10km 4 years ago, I stopped at 6km. This time round I never stopped running till the very end. I was slow, it was more like a slow jog but I am happy and proud of what I had achieve.

So what made the difference in 4 years? I guess they were:

1. Sundown was really more cooling. There was no harsh sun that really almost killed anyone. I was baked, scorched and miserable. This time, I could still experience some bouts of cold breeze and without the glaring sun, you also feel like running home to sleep sooner!

2. Better runners. I ran with my colleagues who are far better runners. They ran way ahead of me but were super encouraging with my slow but steady strategy. Knowing that they are ahead of me, made me wanna run so that they will not wait for me, screaming, "Where is Becks? Did she run away to some fried chicken store?"

3.Six months of regular exercising. I made it a point to go to the gym or run at least twice a week. Guess my heart got stronger and my bacon legs were more resilient.

Before flag off with my mates. I am the only FAT one.

When the sun sets, I know the sun will rise again.

 

Meaningful Work, Work Meaningfully.

I enjoy working with students on projects that touches hearts - but more importantly I want these projects to touch the hearts of my students above all. Yes, through such community projects, the recipients do get something - but I always find that it is those who gives that gains the most. It is true that it is indeed more blessed to give than to receive and I will Amen  to this. When my students' hearts are touched and when they have experienced the joy of giving, hopefully this would create a spark that could enable a flaming torch to bring warmth and joy to the people around them. As I always tell them, practice makes perfect and even doing good takes lots of practice.

 

 

 

 

All BIG things started small

It all started with an innocent piece of meat.

Then, we thought, it would be great to have it grilled with some hickory wood.

So, we thought, it shouldn't hurt to get a little mini charcoal grill for the house that seemed so "portable". Forgive our senseless mind and our minimal knowledge of cast iron and the word 25kg stated over the internet.

Well, then, it was just a simple e-mail enquiry. Then the Mini Green Egg arrived.

With the egg's arrival, now we are thinking of getting some really good wood and charcoal.

And it would be great if we could have this bed of herbs.

It wouldn't hurt if we can have this trolley where we can place
food.

A nice foldable table for 4 and a picnic set that contains all the necessary ( of cos they are!) plates and all and wine glasses.

We probably cannot do without a chiller. How else are we to have a wine. HOT? Never!

It would be great if we also could have a nice 4 men tent.

Wait, maybe all we need is a house with a big garden.

Oh yes. That's probably what we need. A house with a big garden. Preferably near a butchery. The solution was awfully simple and straight forward.

So really, it began with an innocent piece of meat.
 

FARMER RABBIT

I have to let this out. I find farmers really sexy. I imagine big strong men, working hard in the fields of corns, tomatoes, turnips, lettuces to be very very very sexy. Their sexy index increases IF they also own some free range hens, cows, pigs and a horse or 2. Would be great if they could cook too.

I imagine myself having a long table in the middle of the field /farm hosting this grand dinner of roast and some fresh salad from the farm. With cheese, wines and olives galore. I feel the warmth of the evening sun shining on my face and the cool chill wind slightly blowing at my direction. I can even hear the laughter of people; nonsesnsical meaningless conversations going around. Children running around, lying on the soil and getting excited over almost anything. There is no rush. There is no schedule. There is no what-to-do next. There is only now. Miles and miles of nothingness surrounds my guests and I and we allow time to pass at their own pace and care less of what is to come.

And now sitting in my corner of my table where NONE of these sights and sounds are in place - I am shamelessly using my office hours to day dream.

Join me in my field of imagination. Of roasts and greens, of peace and tranquility.

 

123, Look who turned ONE.

Callum turns ONE on 11.12.13

A year ago on the same day, both Aung and I were excited to go to the hospital to deliver our 2nd child.  It was a child that we  both had prayed for, teared for and waited for.

Well, enough of emotional ribbons on the crib of gift - I would like to recall the "memorable" stuff that happened on the day of his birth in the delivery suite and to commerate this special 1 2 3 once in a lifetime rubbish date that alot of people are excited about.

So, my 1 2 3 are:

1. The pump that supported the epidural drip DID NOT WORK.
This explains ALOT about the pain that I still felt despite being "wired" up. I keep telling the anesthesiologist that I can still feel the pain down there. After he realised that it is NOT in my mind - it was way too late. Callum is all ready down there wondering what is the fuss outside.

2. Twist and Turn is NOT my dance
Both my boys likes to "burrow" downwards facing up. This is NOT right, according to who else but the gynae who says that babies need to be facing downards this brought to the whole decision that he (the gynae) would have to perform a twist and turn in the delivery suite. Twist & Turn basically means, he puts his hand into me and twist the baby and tries to turn him to face downwards. With Maoster, that was not a problem because the pump worked ( refer to point 1). I was in such a pain down there and Callum being himself was stubborn like a mule and was strong beyond words so, the twist and turn actually took few minutes. Sure, whatever, I was strapped up anyway and just pretend I am not there. Dance like no one was looking.... dance away people....

3. Never eat Mee Siam for BF when you need to poop your baby out.
No pun intended. They asked me to push. I did. I mean - HOW WOULD I KNOW THAT MEE SIAM WAS NOT MY BABY????

So after the above 1 2 3 - my baby is finally OUT!

Blessed 1st birthday Babycake!

May you grow to know just how good our God is.

We love you so much - your smiles, your growls, your silly actions.

We hope you have enjoyed your 1st year with us as we celebrate being four with your arrival.

The very grouchy face when he first woke up realising he turned 1. He had the same annoyed face when he was pulled out. 

 

What are you WAITING for?

I learned about a friend's pregnancy after a very very long time of waiting. Finally she is pregnant. Although I am not very close to her, I feel very happy and glad for her because what she has waited for, is here. As if she knows what I was feeling, when I casually gave her a hug and said my congratulations, she whispered to me in a low voice and said," Becky... I have been waiting for so so so so long already."

I have another friend who is waiting for the right man. She has been single for the longest man. No luck though although she is a a very pretty girl. Just never crossed path with the special someone that could share the future with her. The void is real. What is wrong? I think this question probably flashed in her mind more than once.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting is tough. Especially if it is for something that is close to your heart. Something that you wanted so badly for.

I have another friend who is waiting for the restoration of her marriage. Things seem to be bad in some days and better in other days but we all know we are waiting for the best days. The best days of their marriage life to come. Where there are no more heartaches, no more fear and no more insecurities.

I think we all wait for something. It could be something big or small. It could be something important or something casual.

It could be like waiting for your turn at the supermarket for payment. Darn we hate long queues!
It could be waiting for the flight for your holiday.
It could be waiting for the end of your exams.
It could be waiting for a medical report.
It could be waiting for the next meal.
It could be waiting for an important call.
It could be waiting for a parking lot.
It could be waiting for the end of the day.
It could be waiting for the chance to shine.
It could be waiting for the chance to be forgiven.
It coudl be waiting for the rain, the sun or even the rainbow to come.


We all wait. Sometimes waiting makes us into a monster. We become impatient, frustrated, bitter and angry. But, somethimes waiting promises us something sweet in return. More importantly, waiting must make us a better person or else the time we spent in waiting has gone to absolute waste.

We all wait. But we may not all get what we want in the end. But, it is still important to wait.

So what do we do when we wait? We pray. We pray that God is with us during our wait. We pray that no matter what is to come, whether we get what we want or not, we pray that God changes our heart and mind and gives us a positive attitude towards ourselves and the life we live. We pray that we know that what we are waiting for may not be what is best for us. We pray that God's peace and joy and love continues to surround us. And then we give thanks. Give thanks for the things we have and count our blessings.

More so  importantly, we wait for our Lord's return. We know that in all our waiting in this life, something better and eternal is there for us. And therefore in all our circumstances, there is hope. And joy. And amist our frustrations, tears, emptiness and possible alienations there is love.

Psalms 39:7 And now, Lord, what wait I for? my hope [is] in thee.

And, I pray that in all your waiting, that you must wait for our God. He will turn up, that's one waiting we know that will come true.

 

9gag worthy....

My colleague excitedly sent me a photo via wassap yesterday and ask me if the person in the photo is me.

I looked at it, and for a moment, believed it to be me.

I then asked my sister who knew me for the past 35 years to verify and she insist that it is me as well. She said the hair colour, the clothings, the shades and the silly actions are ALL me.

Another of my colleague came up with an alien theory that actually there are like thousands of me on planet earth. All of us were dispatched to various parts of earth to conduct experiments on 50 year old men like himself. He volunteered himself to be part of the experiment process willingly. He said," TAKE ME!"

So who is this person? I don't know.

So, do you think she really looks like me?

My "Alien- twin"

 

LOL and then STAB me....

My dear pal down under send me a wassap message attaching our secondary 1/2 photo. She told me that my "hiding" skill started at a tender age - I agree. Even at age 13/14, I knew that I had to be be hidden by something so that I will NOT showcase too much of myself.

Priceless. One never learns from the past.

Boy, was I chubby. Happy chubby. I remembered myself as a happy child/person. All the photographs are evidences. My pal told me that she has lots of photos of me laughing like a mad person - I am glad she spared me the agony and did not send me those photos over - I will unfriend her on FB if she tags me!!!!! :P


Then, after all the LOL-ing.... I showed Maoster my photo and asked if he could identify me. And swiftly and certainly, he said," of cos mummy! That's easy. There you are! "

So, there was NO story of the ugly duckling. The pig remained as the pig. The end. This is when you stab me.

Have faith, Be brave

Today is the last day of 2011.
I have more than once told people around me that I wished this year would go by quicker. No, I'll give this year a missed even. However, if I know that I am created in the image of my God that in His hands that all things He had created is good and beautiful, then this year 2011 (my miserable year) that sat on His laps, must be good and beautiful, perhaps not that I could see now but in His time.
As how it should be and I must always remember, is to Give thanks for this year. I thank God for a wonderful family - a loving and supportive Aung that braved the storms and basked in the sunshine with me. I thank God for the gift of Maoster that this year as he turns 5, he continues to be a source of joy and happiness and inspiration. I thank God for the strong community in church that I serve along, a group of brethren that truly became family not by our mouth we proclaimed to be but bonded in our hearts that we know the genuine love, care and support that flows so generously from each one. I cannot thank God enough for these people in my life. I thank God for the work that he has placed me to be in - I found passion in teaching and love in abundance from the students. I know that I may not be very happy with management or how sometimes I feel discouraged that teaching is not part of my KPI ( that is another interesting topic that I do not want to discuss further), but the exchange of lives, trust and knowledge and building bridges and homes in someone's heart is something that I thank God for, being in such priviledge, in this job I have come to do and love. In this job I found colleagues-turned friends that made my job such a pleasurable one.
I thank God for friends, the "bestest" of them all to the ones that we seldom meet (but regularly on FB and blogs). The bible records of so many incidents where a friend is well loved and important and so I thank God for all of you.
And as how it goes, with thanksgiving - I seek forgiveness. For the trespasses that I have done, for the words that I may have said that caused hurt, for the things that I should have done but have not done, for the kindness that I didn't display, the tenderness that I omitted and forgive me if I wasn't there for you. Forgive all my selfish and jealous thoughts and how sometimes my heart could be so small and tiny. Forgive me if I had said I would stay in touch and didn't or if I said I'll pray for you but I've forgotten. Forgive me if I have placed my needs above others and that I haven't cared for the poor, the widowed, the orphan, the cold and the hungry.

This year I experienced one miscarriage and one ectopic pregnancy. Both crushed me to the depth of misery and pain. With it, I cancelled two holiday trips and I was filled with anger and frustrations namely with God and myself. I felt I haven't deserve it all, I was serving, I was loving and I was good.
God spoke to me. He told me to be patient. He lets me see that it is not through my works and most important that He is in control. He feels my pain and he weeps with me. That I should love not the gifts but the giver of gifts. Isn't He good enough for me? Isn't He enough for me? Isn't he the sole purpose of my living and my purpose is in Him. I do not subscribe to a name it -claim it theology and God is not a cosmic vending machine. Jesus suffered when he came on earth and he was spat, mocked and crucified but there was meaning in his suffering and he said on the eve of his crucification ," Father , if it is your will, take this cup away from me; nevertheless not my will but yours, be done." This is a beautiful reminder that I shall not seek my will but His will that although in my life, I may face trials and tribulations and that I may feel sad and pain and walk through the valley of death but my Lord whom my faith is on, will lead me through. I need to trust and obey and know that my tomorrows are in His hands. I am in good hands.

A close friend of mine, wrote me a card on Christmas Day. It ended with Have faith, be brave. How apt and this describes my outlook for 2012. Faith in our Lord that he is good in all circumstances, in all seasons and bravery, oh how badly I needed it - courage to walk this journey on earth.
For 2012, I pray that the Lord continues to work in my life and those that I love. That everyday I will demonstrate the obedience, the faith, the joy, the love for our Lord and be a better person.

And, if I loses faith and bravery...... please hold my hands and pray with me.

I can't wait for 2012 because I know my Lord is with me and so are you. Have a great year ahead, eat well, sleep well, live well, love well. See you all in 2012.

Impulsive purchase

I know... I know..... such stuff only happens to me. Thinking is overrated.

Single-minded

In the name of defending the nation's highest security, Aung has been called to answer this highest calling.
For 3 weeks, he has to be at the army's beck and call - it used to be only beck's call. He is attached to the weirdest unit whereby he only gets to come back home say, noon or evening of Saturdays.

I wonder what got into me when I told my mom that I would move back home for 3 weeks in the name of allowing Maoster to sleep in during the hols, me not needing to beat the traffic in the wee morning and to spend some time with my mother - some mother/daughter bonding.

Gosh, this is week 2 and I am miserable. My mother treats me like a 5 year old, asking me everything that has happened in the day, complain to me about every single thing and basically open her world that seems to run like 7-eleven. I don't mean to sound like a ^&^&^%^$ daughter but over the years, I realised there is something rather precious termed "space" that does not exist back at home.

I suddenly started thinking of how life would be if I were a widow. Do I have to move back home? Do I have to read all of Maoster's bed time stories? Do I need to bring Maoster to his errands and classes and roam endless for 2 hours till he is done. What about vacations? Where do I bring Maoster alone? You mean the milk is out? You mean we need to renew the car's insurance package? My turn again to wake up to pee my boy every single night or he will wet the bed. The to do list of a widow. Yucks!

Initially I found my new found "alone" to be an adventure. I feel rather great, like a grown up having to do things on my own. Taking responsibilities and taking care of the weak. I realized such superheroes duties are not fun on a daily basis.

Thoughts then went to friends whose husbands travel frequently. Thoughts went to friends whose husbands are unwell and couldn't be the pillar of support. Thoughts went to friends whose husbands are deceased. How does these women survive? I feel like a loser. It's only 3 weeks and I feel miserable. I feel that tsunami has hit my shores. I don't think I can be "single-minded" any longer. Am the only one that feels this way? You leh?

感动

My form class is graduating this April. They have finished the race and have all completed the exams and I am proud to say that I have 100% passing rate for my class. Towards my class, I have this strange attachment and love. It's like suddenly I have 35 children that I would learn to know them by their characteristics, personalities, background and strangely, I have over time, developed"maternal" instincts towards all of them.

The class had a mini farewell chalet last week. We played crazy card games, catch up on what they did after the exams. We exchanged gossips on what's happening to who and what and we laughed and painted the town red. They even organized games and each of us even have eccentric surprise gifts that may consist things like: Shampoo, pillows, mouth washes etc....

After dinner, suddenly they were organised and sitting in a circle and then they said they would like to say something to me and they brought me a BIG poster they made that reads, Becky's babies and it was a montage of their photos and they included one of Maoster and me. They bought me a plush bunny (as they mock at me after finding out that my Aung calls me bun bun) and they made a book with their writings of best wishes and thanks. They got me an expensive cake (to them, I think they put in all their every $$$ on it ). I told them I would not cry but how not to when all their eyes were red and they were waiting for me to say a few words to them. It was that formal. It was that weird. It was intense. It was so not them. It was a moment whereby I am lost for words and all I could do was all smoked up and I teared. Suddenly, Corissa a girl that I had so much trouble with ( all the police case and home visits and endless of chatting wtih her over 2 years) started tearing like no one's business and one by one they all teared as if I am on my death bed. The boys started tearing and that was the last straw. We just all laughed at our silly-ness and cried like babies at the same time. I am touched because they know how much I love them and they know that to me, they are like my babies. It was emotions that intense that even now as I typed a week later, I could feel waves of emotions coming to me.

I thank God that I am in my job. I am in a position to love and in a position to give. I am in a position whereby I could touched lives and give hope. I am also thankful that I could receive that abundance love and support. I am pleasantly surprised how when I genuinely open myself to my students and extend my support and love to them, they would somehow(not all the time though) feel it and appreciate it.

Late at night as I was talking to my boys (that's how I call them), they were sharing with me some silly things that ended up into sharing about their families and ended up with my darling Clement tearing as his parents are now talking about getting a divorce. Suddenly I realised at 19, they are still pretty much wanting to be loved. At that age, they seemed like a young adult but yet they are so lost and so afraid. They are afraid about the future ( not all will get into Poly) and probably will end up working soon or NS. They have alot of unknowns, I realised no matter how much I want to be part of their future, I can't. They need someone bigger, someone better, someone capable, more consistent. They all need God.

I think in the days to come, we will all forget this moment. This moment whereby we feel touched, appreciated and loved. This moment whereby we hope this was forever, this moment whereby we want to stay in touch and brave the storm together - alas we all know that as the wheels of time turns all of us will be walking our own paths. I pray that one day, I will look back and remember this moment fondly. My Class IE0904I.

My silly boys ( not all in though) and their silly pose!

To love no matter what happens

The news that I have getting around me these few days made my heart burdened for a long time. I questioned about life and where it was leading to. I didn't question the existence of God but I questioned His ways and plans. I wept, I prayed, I resigned, I submitted. It was multiple process of complex feelings going in different stages at different point of time.

There was a diagnosis of a high risk pregnancy of a dear friend which my heart ached. I am only human and I couldn't understand nor see the beauty of God's plan. I celebrated myself for finally getting a bun in my oven only that God decided to terminate the pregnancy recently before I turned 33. (BTW, family members are not informed so please zip) There was a tsunami that shook Japan and then there was a critical cancer that loomed one of our brethren.

All the events affected me and burdened me. I asked God why? I hear nothing. I asked God why? I could only hear echos of my anguish and my defiance of God. I asked God and then I stopped asking. I was pissed and broken.

And then I shut myself down and like a child, I said, WHATEVER!

Then seconds turned to minutes, minutes to hours. I soaked into a timeless state of nothing.


Then, strangely, I realised if I turned away from God, I am indeed nothing - I have nothing and I meant nothing. God is God and no matter what happens, He is still God. My life is in his hands and my purpose in His grace. I am reminded to give thanks in all circumstances even though I can't. And this song came to me：

聖靈啊，求你來，
我軟弱你明白，
我無言你歎息，
親自為我代求；
你鑒察我的心，
使我走在屬神旨意，
你醫治我的靈，
使我生命再次絢麗。

啊，我心不住讚美，
啊，我靈不住稱謝，
一宿雖有哭泣，早晨必歡呼，
主的恩典是一生之久；

啊，我心不住讚美，
啊，我靈不住稱謝，
一宿雖有哭泣，早晨必歡呼，

主的恩典乃是一生之久。

And I was freed. I am reminded once again God loves me although sometimes I do not know why some things happened. My life may not be smooth sailing and fair, but the grace and blessings of my Lord will last me a life time. My God and me. Till the end of time. Me and my God.

All over the place and all under the sun

I realised that I haven't blogged for a while. This only shows that I have been trying to save the world and couldn't take time off.

I would have told you about the wonderful Perth trip I took and how those days are numbered and that I can now rely on photographs and memories to keep me afloat at work and my hectic lifestyle. Having friends around the globe doesn't help me to keep my feet rooted and my mind thinking, is the grass greener at the other end ( or the cows cheaper on the other side of the field). I told Gee that perhaps I should ask God for a chance to be outstation abroad for a few years and she says of course you could and then being the "short-attention" span me, I prayed for a few days and I called it quit.

Talking about prayers, I am really in dilemma here. I mean, I am told that I have to pray fervently for things I really care about or want. But I really can't. I can't just keep focus. I really can't do it EVERYDAY until I get it. I get bored, I get impatient and most importantly, I forget to pray about it. Strange but true, I really need some prayer therapy - intensive prayer course.

Maoster is growing up well ( in terms of entertainment value) but hardly and I repeat hardly the sharpest pencil in the box. Undeniably, I have enough of teachers telling me that oh, he should be writing now and blah blah blah and I wished I could have the patience or discipline to start this routine of writing with him... gosh I think I am such a lousy mother because I am going to go into the school of thought that hey, i mean they will write sooner or later right? I mean right? Sigh, but this boy of mine just am not interested in doing anything academic! He does not like to write, he does not like to draw, he does not like to colour. He just enjoys doing things like running around, pretending to be a dinosaur and being read to ( note: not reading by himself but being read to). I seriously dunno what to do with him ( not that I am doing anything much) and looking at the students profile I am handling , I can only pray ( which I am btw, if you have read the above, not doing a great job at that too) that he don't end up where I teach.
Having said that, Maoster continues to come up with the most hilarious conversations and thoughts and continued to be kind and nice and gentle.

I have been swarmed with work and somehow I am still surviving ( minus the exam setting nightmare but that would be a story too long to say and I will keep it for retirement when I am free and old). I am still enjoying my students and I continue to be amused and tickled and touched and aspired by them. I am doing well, I guess but then of course my director who is prim and proper doesn't get quite tickled by my jokes and styles but I think I am at a stage whereby, Heck lah, I just want to do my job well and be happy and not think of what my director thinks or whatever carrots/promotions she might be cancelling my name on. I mean, I know its tough when I work and not get recognition but hey, I am having fun with my colleagues and if they say I am good, I am good then. And at the end of the day, I hope my God says I am good. Clowns can be good too okay. We work.

I finished my virgin 10km run and I am happy with what I've done. No fats were destroyed at the process and no kgs were shed. But, whatever, I think I look great size 0 or size 12. And there's a research that says size 12 people are the happiest - I think so/hope so. Sorry if you are a size 0, there might be another research about you perhaps living longer.

My oven is still empty - I mean some days I will be cursing and swearing about it and sometimes I am seriously okay about it. I don't know my take about my oven but then, that's my oven and if it's not cooking then I think I could use it for some other storage purposes. I probably should take it for a repair and hopefully it comes with warranty. I really should have sex more often. Seriously I am pulling down the average numbers but hey my love for my husband goes beyond that - ha ha ha, he obviously don't think so.

Aung continues to be a sweet loving man. Always patient, always kind, always loving. He still says the funniest things and does the funniest moves and dance the funniest sway I have ever seen.

I thank God for this year and I pray that I'll witness God's works and miraculous blessings in the year to come.

I'll pray for you too.

It's a bunny year ahead!

The rabbit that ate more than carrots

People who know me knows I love food. There are a few things that are close to my heart. Cooking (or feasting) and writing are 2 things I really love to do.

In my profession, I tend to get to read lousy writings (ha ha ha), so I am not launching my writing blog yet so let me start with my food blog. Nothing fancy, just food I cook for my family- hopefully one day Mao could cook them for his family ( more of my DIL cook for Mao lah!).

Do visit me at Chef Bun if you have a cooking block. It's not the best in the world but maybe it is in bunny land.

Learning points ( over these few weeks)

1) My love handle has its use.
Maoster on a shaky MRT train grabbed my love handle to balance himself on a "rocky" ride. I mean, they don't call it a love handle for nothing. Grab me if you ever need to stabilise yourself. Really, I won't even feel a thing.

2) I love Singapore - Singapore, I love you, I love and so much more.
The GST payout + the $300 govt interim bonus paid for our Malacca trip. I want to say I love to be a Singapore citizen, we pooled our resources together and hey, we ate, shopped, ate, ate, ate, ate, ate, ate and even had rooms with personal jacuzzi. It was alot of fun eating time. I will remember you when I cast my votes.

4) Amt of food you consume - (minus) your poo = How fat/thin you will be.

I am amazed by how people eat and eat and eat and then they shit and shit and shit
The Malacca trip eating trip was awesome. Lausy and Francis were like shitting 3 times a day becos well we ate like 6 times per day. Every time they conquer a meal, they go poo- I mean... you can imagine the blockage as I have nothing much to share. I am a great retention machine.

5) Ice-Box Advantage
The present I got for Gee works! We smuggled 15 bars of Magnum ice-cream from Malaysia at less than half the price! Please people, go Malaysia must eat Magnum lah! RM $3.80 only! Bring an ice-box please

4) I look heavily pregnant
My student asked me TWICE if I am pregnant- not only that they ask me to verify my last menstration to confirm that I am just fat not pregnant. I mean, all that sex education is paying - Missed period= pregnancy. I mean, I knew that already, so NO I AM NOT PREGNANT.

5) Teachers cheat too
One of the biggest "show" teachers need to put on was for lesson observation whereby your whoever up there who thinks they are good enough to criticise you although they haven't taught before will come and see you and how you teach. One interesting technique, I heard my other colleagues say was that they get students to raise their hands when they ask a question. If you know the answer, raise your right hand. If you don't, raise your left. I mean when the teacher ask a question, the whole class will be raising their hands! Wow, talk about class involvement and participation. And I mean, you can choose the lighted bulbs with their right hands shot up. Not sure if it works for my kids, I mean, they might have both hands up representing more of I AM NOT TOO SURE!

7) Upgrade of Communication Skills
Maoster saw a cockroach in our bedroom and refused to enter. I told him that the bug is no longer there as his mummy ask him to go home already. He looked at me in the eye with that- I am not an idiot look. He asked me- Mummy, the cockroach don't have a phone, the mummy cannot call him home...... Okay, I need to think harder.

Ending here with a stupid question my student asked me:

Q: Who are Transformers parents?
A: Transparent

Q: Do you know Transformers have a sibling?
A: Transistor.


Okay, don't throw your eggs. C'mon- sometimes even the brightest star won't shine for a day or two.

10km is the new 2.4km

I have 6 months time to train.
I have to get my butt off the couch and start changing into my gears.
I have to start breathing and tuning into my brain that a fat bun can run.
"Eat like a pig and run like a dog", that would be my new slogan.
And, honestly, running I know can be like drugs. It can be addictive. But first- I need to get addicted to it first. For now, there's still a 50% chance I will be lying on my bed watching my cooking shows.
And no, if you think that I have lost inches off my waist - that would be too good to be true for now as after our fabulous 5.5km run that day with Gee ( that took us 55 mins - we ran from home to the dam(breakwater) over at seletar country club), we were back at base where I whipped up a nasty wicked father's day dinner that consist of pork chops, fried chicken wings, omelette and a vegetable soup. My skirt is still tight.
I mean, I'm not going to starve myself right? I need every ounce of energy to run the miles.

Let's hope the training schedule will be adhered to as we are only at week 2.

Not forgetting, Maoster also has to train for the kids dash at 750m. His father had been asking him to grow his legs for some "long legs advantage".

Wish me luck people. I need all the luck I can get plus some determination and addiction.