To Give & To Receive

Many times we ask to receive. Most of the times we either do not give intently, forget to give or do not have the courage to.

I admit I'm not good at giving, most of the time I have been at the receiving ends. Most of the time, I demand to be given. Most of the time, I got what I wanted. I get pacified most of the time.

Over the past few weeks have been trying for me. I've learnt a few things about giving and receiving.

The loss of our 2nd baby has been very emotional for me.

The Lord has given, the Lord has taken. The Lord's name is to be praised.

It's a learning process honestly to celebrate that the Lord has given, and to give our Lord my complete submission to him; his authority and his utmost highest soveriegnity over me, to once again understand my limitations and fully to surrender to his plans. I am still trying to fully be convinced when I say God has his plans but each time I say it to someone, someone affirms it to me again by repeating it and agreeing with it. It's not internalising it, it's seeing the truth and understanding and believing that it's the truth. The truth about our God being a good and loving God. A God who has the bigger picture, who holds the map to the destination.

I was surprisingly emotional and happy today when Beatrix, a youth I've been teaching since her primary school came to learn about my miscarriage via our MSN conversation today. She was very surprised to hear that I had miscarriaged and was very sorry about it. She told me God had his plans. I had heard this many times by many people since my miscarriaged, but this time, I fully believed her. I was touched by her, I was elated by the fact that I was encouraged by someone that I had mentored for a few years. The roles were reversed but it was a great change. I never expect myself to be encouraged by my youth although many of my christian peers or pastors has spoken to me personally. I was happy to see her christian maturity and growth, I felt that the young gal had become a comrade in christ.I felt her genuine love and respect for me and I received her tender loving encouragements. Yao Yong who was working part time in church with her said he will greive with me over a bowl of laksa, popiah and some ice jelly.

I think I am on the road to recovery. With the pathology report from the gynae yesterday, there is closure. We know that the miscarriage is a natural random ability of nature to allow healthy babies to be born and those not to be eliminated.

I no longer ask myself why ME? I no longer look at a pregnant belly and say it should be me.

I understand this is part of Grace of God upon my life. And Grace to me now is not about given the best things in life, the perfect pregnancy and the perfect baby. But God's understanding of giving me enough strength to carry through each challenge and to understand that there is Hope, there is Love and there is peace.

And all this I receive because I am a child of God.

Looking forward to the next baby - Jayla still please the requirements remains the same!