Pandemic, Perimenopause and Perplexed Pessimist Prayer ( Pek Chek Prayer)

 I find myself of late, dull.  I spent many hours trying to energize myself through the things I find joy in. Cooking, gardening, children-ing, Aung-ing & even yes, jogging.

It has come to a point that I realized that deep inside me, I wasn't fulfilled and I wasn't living the purpose driven life. Everything was meaningless. No, I am not thinking of jumping from the 12th floor or anything of such a dramatic measure. However, the conversations that comes out of my mouth are far from being uplifting, edifying, full of negativities and resignation. This is NOT how a Christian life should be and it shames me ( truly) that what is reflected out of my life is so broken, distasteful and unrewarding; who on earth will want to be drawn to this kind of Christ promised life and living?

I am not sure if quitting my job ( one that I spends most time on) is the solution to this misery ( and it will trigger other . So, before I throw the towel and quit my job of 12 years, I want to make sure that I am at a right place. With God and with myself. With faith and renewed strength and hope and assurance of what is to come.

So I turned to God. I have prayed countless times but in all honesty, I do not exactly know what I want and what I expect God to say or give. It feels that I am ordering from a menu of a different language, hoping that what comes is satisfactory to me. Expectations, reality, contentment, frame of mind.... it's all a blur. God's will, God's pleasure, God's intent, God's design.... it's all good but what is in for me?

Today, I was in an online sermon and this verse was shared. Do not be conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by renewing of your mind.

So I asked God ( & myself),

1. How do I achieve transformation through renewal of the mind?

2. How on earth do I renew my mind? Renew to what?

3. How to test and approve what God's will is. I dun even have an inclination, how to test and where to get approval? What is the will? 

4. Lead me to your good , pleasing & perfect will.

Lord, I pray that as I mediate on these words. Let your voice be loud and your will be known. I absolutely have no idea what to do, for my mind to be renewed and to be renewed permanently and not momentarily with the changing patterns of this world.  Show me your paths and affirm my heart when it is revealed and that I do not lead a wasted, doubtful, faithless, resigned life that when I look back and depart, there is nothing good. 

Let me be energized and lead me to your good, pleasing and perfect will. I pray and trust that the timing of your revelations will be perfect; that it will not tire me and I will sin against you but it will keep me in faith and hope and be of good cheer as I wait it out.

I do not know what it is. I do not know what I want. I do not what I want is it good for me. Therefore I uplife this pek chek prayer to you, knowing that when I lose words, your Holy spirit prays for me.

What I want to feel! LOL.

  

CROSSROADS at FORTY

I believe at certain point in my life, I must do something different. Different may mean, brave, noble, inspiring or just plain stupid. I tend to do the plain stupid stuff very well - like almost if you googled, who does the best at stupidity, my name and my horrible angled photo will be surfaced.

Turning 40 turned the alarm ringing - it's just that I do not know what the ringing is for. Was it an indication to switch something off or a reminder to turned something on.I am taking 6 months away from work to figure that out.

Wish me luck. This is a six months journey - documenting my "liberating days" as a full time mother who stays at home with a mother in law no less. More myself less of others. Or is it More of others less of myself? Not sure - as you know, I do not have a game plan.

Will I be a better person?

Will I find destiny?

Will I be fulfilled?

Will my children be sane?

Will my MIL run away from home?

Will I be bored?

Will I be purposeful?


Will find out in July.

Breaking the silence

For slightly over a year, my blog space has been a mere state of abandonment & waste. A pity because I honestly enjoy reading what I wrote - because it brought back so many memories, conversations and thoughts in many different seasons of my life.

The updates:

Myles turned 10 next month. As part of his growing up, I try not to call him Maoster anymore and thought that as an acknowledgement of him growing up - he should be called his given name.

He is the shortest in class but I must say look one of the cutest as well. While many of his friends are morphing into a tween, he pretty much is still an innocent, wide eyed boy. Pretty much mild in nature and "harmless" although he can be one of the most muddle head boy I have never met. The complains are the same - he is messy, forgetful, lazy and has the worst motor skills you can find in a 10 year old. He is, however, gifted by us, plentiful of humour, extremely animated and quite a chatter. The most exciting thing in his life now would probably be his choir Japan trip that is happening next month just days away from his P4 final year exams. Well, one of the most exciting thing that is happening in my life at that moment would be super worried about his final year examinations! Having said that, I have to remind myself that an education should be all rounded and not purely based on academics achievements and with that as my belief, I should be thankful that he got chosen to represent his school choir to go so far away ( yay! no homework supervision for me for 10 days!).

Magnificent Myles@ almost 10 years old.

Callum is turning 4 in December this year. He is a battle that we fight every single day and a lullaby that we sing to each new dawn. He is impossible to please and has quite a mind of his own. His motor skills, contrary to his brother's, is exemplary. From the use of chopsticks, to jigsaw puzzles, to blocks and nerf guns construction and re-construction, he is a master of all. However, he has no patience for writing, reading and anything that ermmmmm we defined as "academics matters".

As we had quite a "SNAG" for our firstborn, Callum brings many refreshing perspectives of a man's man. Therefore, with his personality and disposition, we crave for his affections & praises as if he is the adult and we the child.  He is feisty and passionate and we love him fiercely at the same time.

Courageous Callum @ almost 4 years old.

US

We are celebrating our 12th wedding anniversary this weekend. I thank God that my marriage is the only "boring' thing that has little to be updated. Aung, being who he is, continues to be the supportive, loving and dedicated spouse and dad. He is a little chattier over the years and we remain opposite in many of our thoughts, behaviours and temperaments but we are grounded with grace and hope in God and of God.

Aung with his offsprings - they are so in love with his dad that I get envious sometimes.

 

Work has been full of ups and downs. New role, new challenge and this season but the constant yearnings are the same: Retirement or Tai- Tai hood. Both out of reach so off to the grind, I must!


Generally, I have not been deprived. Of food, money, laughters & kindness. Therefore, I must be grateful for this season as I tend to be whiny and all.

Ending with the latest video of the offsprings. I wish they dun grow up so fast.

 

Are you missing the "shoes"?

This is NOT the Cinderella story although what I was hoping for was exactly a Cinderella's ending - A HAPPY EVER AFTER.

Aung and I have been married for coming 11 years and we dated for 7 and that make us in today's fast paced and ever changing environment a pretty darn long time. I cannot remember honestly how was life before him, nor am I ever thinking how will my life be in the future with him. In fact, I do not think very much about him. As a person, as a partner, as a lover, as a dad, as a friend. Honestly, I stopped "thinking". It is pretty much like, you stopped tracking how much water you drink per day or how many times did you pee in a day. You know you do it and you know the importance of it but you just do not put your mind into something so "basic".

Then, there are the offsprings. And other people's offsprings ( almost 120 of them this Semester). Then there is the "new role" at work that is on my mind. I mean there are 101 things going on my mind and yet there is nothing on my mind (it is very complex, I tell you this grey matter of mine). In the end, I realized, between my Aung and I we stopped. In the middle of all this building a home, raising children and hope, the "exchanges" stopped, the "conversations" stopped. Without us knowing, the fizz in the coke is gone!

I didn't know it until Clarks told me so.

Aung bought a pair of shoes 2 weeks ago. It was a pair of tracking shoes he bought (tracking????) and after that, he placed it in the study room. On Monday, we went to J8 to get dinner and told him that his work shoes are a wreck and we should pop in to buy a pair of shoes if we have time. So we went to Hush puppies and he got a pair of shoes and we walked around and I asked him if he would want to get another pair of casual shoes and stuff like that and we went back home. When we reached home, Aung's mom exclaimed, " Why did we get another pair of shoes when Aung just bought a pair of new shoes?" She had assumed, I know about the shoes.

The shoes? What shoes? Aung took them out from the study room and showed me his "tracking" shoes and said, " they are not my usual shoes. I was thinking about them. They were on sale. I didn't know what to do with them and he laughed."  I wasn't laughing.

Something stirred in me that night. I couldn't quite sleep. No, I wasn't upset that Aung had bought a "senseless" pair of shoes. What shocked me was that, he didn't talk to me about buying the pair of shoes, He didn't tell me that he was looking at the shoes when he was thinking about them. He didn't even mentioned it when we were looking at shoes the very evening. I was honestly upset that we stopped "living" together.

Was it his fault? Not really. Perhaps the "small things" in life are not worth mentioning anymore because we have BIGGER things ( like when is the date of the excursion for the boys that we better remember). We used to have sms exchanges throughout the day sharing about stupid things and exciting things but because of work and stuff ( sometimes we do not reply or it seems mundane), we stopped totally.

Was it my fault? Perhaps. I am always so drowned in my world or busy playing with my friends that I do not stop and listen or even communicate. When we discuss things, the "boss" in me will normally go straight to the solution or convey my decision that there is no need for discussion etc.


I told Aung how I felt and what I feel. Guess it is a good start. I am thankful and grateful that Aung is always willing to embark on the "better" of us with positivity and tenderness. He did not brush it off and say , " Come on woman, it was just a pair of shoes! Just get on with LIFE! There is absolutely nothing wrong with us?" Instead, he texted me that I am such a big part of my life and the most interesting bun around.

This is really something to reflect upon as we are celebrating our 11th wedding anniversary at the corner of this month. Coke is not coke without fizz.

That's what Clarks told me. Thank God for that stupid pair of tracking shoes - They definitely put back some stuff on track!

 

Someone pressed the pause button

and before I knew it this is the very first entry I made in 2015.

Many times when I experienced something in life and I thought, I should update my blog, another experience came and after waves of waves of experiences, I find no footprints on the sand. Nothing that I remembered of.

I better write before I forget these experiences and memories. Forget how my boys talk. The conversations we have. How I feel about people, how I felt about God. How living was all about.

To kickstart, I want to jot down this observation I made.

In our young senseless days ( I still would have done it today, so still as senseless but not at all that young), we made our bathroom door in our room transparent. Yes - you see it all. When you poo, when you pee, when you shower, when and where you scratch ( okay it is very clear now) all could be seen clearly.

We had that door ( to my MIL's dismay) and we loved it. We loved it because NO ONE can come into our room to use our toilet and bathroom without having to close our master bedroom entirely - and it seems rude to be inside someone's master bedroom ALONE. It is just not a Chinese thing.

What is so wickedly pleasurable defines how Aung and I interact as well. We just talk to each other even when we go do our intimate private affairs ( or defined as some people) and it spares out some private time for us especially when we lock our children out as it is (shame shame) to see someone bathe as they are growing up way too fast. ( we confessed that it is only recently that we drove them out but Callum is still allowed to roam free range).

Nonetheless the good times have to come to an end. When you know that the bigger purpose outweigh your personally delight and one just have to sacrifice. We laminate the glass door with another opaque sticker that covers the centre of the door ( basically the head till the knees cannot be seen) because it is TRUE that the boys will somehow barge in when I forget to lock the door or Callum will be screaming outside wanting to come into the room. Or Myles would want to stay in our room because that is the room we allow air-conditioning. NO ONE WANTS TO SEE A NAKED MOTHER. IT IS JUST NOT RIGHT TO SEE YOUR MOTHER NAKED. NOT WHEN SHE IS OVERWEIGHT!

Some funny observations were made after the transparent door was somewhat covered. Callum will squat right outside of the bathroom and peep in to talk to us. He is not used to this "not being able to see us" while talking to us. In case you think that he is the only one. Aung is also having a hard time adjusting to our new form of communication. The other day, he was talking to me while I was taking a shower and he opened the door and stood outside the opened door and talk to me. I asked him,"Why you opened the door? You can talk to me outside the door what! I can hear you." He laughed and said," I want to bare my feelings to you. I can only do it with bare doors. Now our door is not bare!"


Bare your feelings. This is the only way to communicate. To see each other in the most "naked" form is healthy ( not literally and perhaps it is in the marriage context) and that's perhaps the only way to go.

 

If you think ONE is good enough...

Tomorrow Callum turns 2 and when we couldn't had enough of that mylo domination, time didn't allow us to savour more of that and insist that he had to grow up.

One of those Aung days...

We had dinner one day (all 4 of us ) since we skipped Maoster's Chinese Class. Of cos, Maoster was in the best of mood since he "escaped" from hell and therefore he welcomed any form of suggestion to what we are going to do for that evening. Anyway, he understands that his freedom came out of pure grace and he was eternally (reads 4 hours) grateful and was pleasant and smiley.

We decided to go to a not crowded cafe at this relatively new Thomson building ( don't ask me what name -I cannot remember) and they served breakfast whole day. The best part of the cafe was that it was 1. Not at all crowded. 2. They have an area where they have a sofa and a TV that played the cartoon Road Runner on the loop. It was great because it means I can successfully get rid of Maoster who is a TV addict and place Mylo on a baby chair and feed him with approprate food that keeps him interested ( hashbrowns and scrambled eggs).

We were rather relaxed.

When the food came, Aung gave a quarter of his waffles to Mylo and one quarter to me. In exchange, I gave him some of the rosti which I wasn't impressed with.

After 30 minutes, Maoster realises that our food arrived (he already had dinner since he was supposed to have chinese class at 7:30) and wanted to eat our food. I raised my brow - I was relunctant to give him MY FOOD.

Before I even need to give him my food (note my relunctance) - Aung had asked another empty plate and gave half of the sausage and some eggs to his firstborn.

15 minutes later, Maoster came back again, very pleased with the standard of food, asked for more helping. I raised my brows, and before I could say another thing, another quarter of Aung's waffles with maple syrup went to Maoster's plate.

Aung looked at me and smile, "The kids loved the food here! They are really enjoying!" ( I was more of thinking, he already ate, he is just being greedy etc....)

You know, it is days like this that I understood why I married Aung. He is always so giving and always happy and contented with us -with his children who always takes food/time/all things wonderful from him and his wife who is always guarding her food (I did ask him if he wanted to order another plate though!). He doesn't expect me to behave anything more than myself ( a glutton!) and he always laughs at us affectionately. "All of you, are silly animals - my best Maos and my funny bunny!"

There's alot of eating over at the Aungs.