To love no matter what happens

The news that I have getting around me these few days made my heart burdened for a long time. I questioned about life and where it was leading to. I didn't question the existence of God but I questioned His ways and plans. I wept, I prayed, I resigned, I submitted. It was multiple process of complex feelings going in different stages at different point of time.

There was a diagnosis of a high risk pregnancy of a dear friend which my heart ached. I am only human and I couldn't understand nor see the beauty of God's plan. I celebrated myself for finally getting a bun in my oven only that God decided to terminate the pregnancy recently before I turned 33. (BTW, family members are not informed so please zip) There was a tsunami that shook Japan and then there was a critical cancer that loomed one of our brethren.

All the events affected me and burdened me. I asked God why? I hear nothing. I asked God why? I could only hear echos of my anguish and my defiance of God. I asked God and then I stopped asking. I was pissed and broken.

And then I shut myself down and like a child, I said, WHATEVER!

Then seconds turned to minutes, minutes to hours. I soaked into a timeless state of nothing.


Then, strangely, I realised if I turned away from God, I am indeed nothing - I have nothing and I meant nothing. God is God and no matter what happens, He is still God. My life is in his hands and my purpose in His grace. I am reminded to give thanks in all circumstances even though I can't. And this song came to me：

聖靈啊，求你來，
我軟弱你明白，
我無言你歎息，
親自為我代求；
你鑒察我的心，
使我走在屬神旨意，
你醫治我的靈，
使我生命再次絢麗。

啊，我心不住讚美，
啊，我靈不住稱謝，
一宿雖有哭泣，早晨必歡呼，
主的恩典是一生之久；

啊，我心不住讚美，
啊，我靈不住稱謝，
一宿雖有哭泣，早晨必歡呼，

主的恩典乃是一生之久。

And I was freed. I am reminded once again God loves me although sometimes I do not know why some things happened. My life may not be smooth sailing and fair, but the grace and blessings of my Lord will last me a life time. My God and me. Till the end of time. Me and my God.