A song for the winter season

"Blessings"

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are your mercies in disguise

Road to recovery

I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow,
And ne'er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,

When sorrow walked with me.

by Robert Browning Hamilton

Winter has arrived

It feels like I a won a lottery, but the winnings dated last week.
It feels like a child who was being sent for detention class for something she not done.
It feels like I had all the ingredients to cook a splendid meal but the gas ran out.
It feels like I did a wonderful painting but someone jerked my hand and made me draw out of line.
It feels like I bought the most wonderful dress to find out that there was a tear somewhere.
It feels like that time I bought a pair of shoes and the shop assistant packed 2 left shoes into the box.
It feels like I went to the prom wearing exactly the same dress as someone else.
It feels like I handed up an exam paper to realise I missed a page out of the paper.
It feels like I brought all my swimming gears out and suddenly it rained cats and dogs despite reading the weather forecast.
It feels like making a presentation to your bosses and no one informed you the topic has been changed.
It feels like all your public holidays falls on Saturdays and there is no possibility of a long weekend.
It feels like you signed up for a class at 33 to realize that is class is actually meant for kids age 4 and below.
It feels like you are in the toilet gossiping about your boss and she is at the next cubicle without you knowing.
It feels like you have a tummy ache when you are in the middle of Little India.
It feels like they read your name wrongly when you go upon the stage to get your award.
It feels like the man you are marrying happened to be your enemy's son that happened to have slept with your mother before.
It feels like you are in the toilet and the toilet has no toilet paper and you didn't realized it.
It feels like you needing to pee and the queue at the toilets seems alike the gift wrapping queues during Christmas season.
It feels as if you went to the airport to realize that you forgot to apply for visa and couldn't fly.
It feels like your fly was down and the whole world knew except you.

You understand what I am feeling?

To love no matter what happens

The news that I have getting around me these few days made my heart burdened for a long time. I questioned about life and where it was leading to. I didn't question the existence of God but I questioned His ways and plans. I wept, I prayed, I resigned, I submitted. It was multiple process of complex feelings going in different stages at different point of time.

There was a diagnosis of a high risk pregnancy of a dear friend which my heart ached. I am only human and I couldn't understand nor see the beauty of God's plan. I celebrated myself for finally getting a bun in my oven only that God decided to terminate the pregnancy recently before I turned 33. (BTW, family members are not informed so please zip) There was a tsunami that shook Japan and then there was a critical cancer that loomed one of our brethren.

All the events affected me and burdened me. I asked God why? I hear nothing. I asked God why? I could only hear echos of my anguish and my defiance of God. I asked God and then I stopped asking. I was pissed and broken.

And then I shut myself down and like a child, I said, WHATEVER!

Then seconds turned to minutes, minutes to hours. I soaked into a timeless state of nothing.


Then, strangely, I realised if I turned away from God, I am indeed nothing - I have nothing and I meant nothing. God is God and no matter what happens, He is still God. My life is in his hands and my purpose in His grace. I am reminded to give thanks in all circumstances even though I can't. And this song came to me：

聖靈啊，求你來，
我軟弱你明白，
我無言你歎息，
親自為我代求；
你鑒察我的心，
使我走在屬神旨意，
你醫治我的靈，
使我生命再次絢麗。

啊，我心不住讚美，
啊，我靈不住稱謝，
一宿雖有哭泣，早晨必歡呼，
主的恩典是一生之久；

啊，我心不住讚美，
啊，我靈不住稱謝，
一宿雖有哭泣，早晨必歡呼，

主的恩典乃是一生之久。

And I was freed. I am reminded once again God loves me although sometimes I do not know why some things happened. My life may not be smooth sailing and fair, but the grace and blessings of my Lord will last me a life time. My God and me. Till the end of time. Me and my God.

Elvis

He came to us during the period of Sars (for reasons I do not wish to explain). Aung welcomed the small furry animal with delight and immediately he was family.

We gave him the name Elvis, because he got such a wild streak in him with nice spikey hair. Everyday he gets fresh carrots, grass and pellets and I suspect he just like Maoster enjoys long beans. He makes such nice long squeaky voice when we come near his cage.

I broke the news to Maoster yesterday about his demise. I think he knows die = not good and Maoster shouted," NO! Cannot. Not die!". This strange sadnesss envelope our family that shrunk from 4 to 3. Maoster has this funny song he like to sing, "WE ARE FAMILY, DADDY, MUMMY, MAO MAO and ELVIS! "

Although it is a comfort that he has outlived his peer but Elvis, although you have never slept on our beds, or eat from our plates, or shared a good tv with us or went out shopping with us - We missed you and we hope that you have enjoyed your time with us.

This is Elvis in his old age - smaller and less furry but still extremely amusing

The Rays of Sunshine in my gloomy skies

The skies all gloomy.

The birds aren't singing.

The fries taste soggy.

The words so cheesy.

Then.

Out of the blue, a couch potato laughed.

It's rays of sunshine fighting through.

Our Loss

It was heartbreaking for us to learn that our baby at 12 weeks old was not at the right size and the heartbeat has ceased. We found out at our scheduled normal gynae appointment last night.
It was painful emotionally to see for the last time the ultra scan picture of that little adorable foetus curled up there but lifeless as the doppler machine confirmed it again that the heartbeat was gone.
The D & C was performed and the baby is gone.
There are many questions that I have in my mind. Many answers that I try to search for.
There are times where I feel that I am strong and times where I crumble and fall and cry like never before.
There were moments where Aung and I joke about why it happened in the funniest notion only to try to make each other at ease and that it is ok and no one's fault.
I know God do things for a reason. I know that God controls the living and the dead. I know that as a christian and as a child of God, I will trust and obey and understand that in all things God will not leave me. Suddenly I fear what this God can do. The power of this God to take back what he has given, his authorities and his unfathomable ways. I feel like shivering under my blanket, trying to hide away from Him.

As I stayed in bed last night, waiting for dawn to break and calming myself for the D & C for tomorrow. I looked at Maoster fast asleep beside me and I am so frightened. I prayed so hard that God will not take Maoster away from me. It was really tough to lose a child. I hope i don't have to experience it twice in my lifetime.