I do, Sometimes

I believe I was my dad's girl. From very young, I knew I was the favourite. He brought me out to his drinking session. He praised me in front of his beer khakis. I was the favourite no doubt about it. I can see it in his eyes although they were not clear as he was drunk most of the time.

Maybe it was because my older siblings didn't really responded well to his drinking habits. They were both far older than I was and therefore, they felt the embarrassments and frustrations of a alcoholic father, they felt the impact of all the arguments in the family that arised from the drinking. For me, I was still a baby. At 4 or 5 years, there was no treats more than a journey to the coffeeshop where I had access to all the food that was to be offered. Cakes, Siew Mai, French Fries.... ooooo and the uncles will let me play at the playground and bring me Fanta Grape....


I remembered I was the errand girl, I bought beers for my dad during my primary school days... 2 carlsburg, or sometimes 1 carlsburg and 1 ABC... i knew the cost my heart then, $4.60 and $5.20....



My dad would call me after work to ask me if i wanted to eat anything. Fried Kwey Teow, Spring chicken... it was a daily thing....

I wasn't oblivious about what his drinking brings; arguments with my mom, the accidents at the road, the running low of cash for the family, how "not normal" my family with the non existent father figure. But, I guess, I wasn't as impacted as my siblings, in a way.

My dad passed away in 2000 today. Well, I'm not sure if any of my siblings remember that today's the day. I can't for sure say if I miss him or that his absence made any difference to my life.
However, many times as I see father's basking in their role of fatherhood or grandfather's playing happily with their grandkids - I feel sad for my father. Sad because, really, it was his loss that he's missing out on all these great family lovely times.

Sometimes, I wished he was given a 2nd chance to be a better person, but we all know that 2nd chances are never guaranteed and he for all I know won't take it.

But, seriously I do sometimes think about him. I do, sometimes.