Pandemic, Perimenopause and Perplexed Pessimist Prayer ( Pek Chek Prayer)

 I find myself of late, dull.  I spent many hours trying to energize myself through the things I find joy in. Cooking, gardening, children-ing, Aung-ing & even yes, jogging.

It has come to a point that I realized that deep inside me, I wasn't fulfilled and I wasn't living the purpose driven life. Everything was meaningless. No, I am not thinking of jumping from the 12th floor or anything of such a dramatic measure. However, the conversations that comes out of my mouth are far from being uplifting, edifying, full of negativities and resignation. This is NOT how a Christian life should be and it shames me ( truly) that what is reflected out of my life is so broken, distasteful and unrewarding; who on earth will want to be drawn to this kind of Christ promised life and living?

I am not sure if quitting my job ( one that I spends most time on) is the solution to this misery ( and it will trigger other . So, before I throw the towel and quit my job of 12 years, I want to make sure that I am at a right place. With God and with myself. With faith and renewed strength and hope and assurance of what is to come.

So I turned to God. I have prayed countless times but in all honesty, I do not exactly know what I want and what I expect God to say or give. It feels that I am ordering from a menu of a different language, hoping that what comes is satisfactory to me. Expectations, reality, contentment, frame of mind.... it's all a blur. God's will, God's pleasure, God's intent, God's design.... it's all good but what is in for me?

Today, I was in an online sermon and this verse was shared. Do not be conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by renewing of your mind.

So I asked God ( & myself),

1. How do I achieve transformation through renewal of the mind?

2. How on earth do I renew my mind? Renew to what?

3. How to test and approve what God's will is. I dun even have an inclination, how to test and where to get approval? What is the will? 

4. Lead me to your good , pleasing & perfect will.

Lord, I pray that as I mediate on these words. Let your voice be loud and your will be known. I absolutely have no idea what to do, for my mind to be renewed and to be renewed permanently and not momentarily with the changing patterns of this world.  Show me your paths and affirm my heart when it is revealed and that I do not lead a wasted, doubtful, faithless, resigned life that when I look back and depart, there is nothing good. 

Let me be energized and lead me to your good, pleasing and perfect will. I pray and trust that the timing of your revelations will be perfect; that it will not tire me and I will sin against you but it will keep me in faith and hope and be of good cheer as I wait it out.

I do not know what it is. I do not know what I want. I do not what I want is it good for me. Therefore I uplife this pek chek prayer to you, knowing that when I lose words, your Holy spirit prays for me.

What I want to feel! LOL.