Pandemic, Perimenopause and Perplexed Pessimist Prayer ( Pek Chek Prayer)

 I find myself of late, dull.  I spent many hours trying to energize myself through the things I find joy in. Cooking, gardening, children-ing, Aung-ing & even yes, jogging.

It has come to a point that I realized that deep inside me, I wasn't fulfilled and I wasn't living the purpose driven life. Everything was meaningless. No, I am not thinking of jumping from the 12th floor or anything of such a dramatic measure. However, the conversations that comes out of my mouth are far from being uplifting, edifying, full of negativities and resignation. This is NOT how a Christian life should be and it shames me ( truly) that what is reflected out of my life is so broken, distasteful and unrewarding; who on earth will want to be drawn to this kind of Christ promised life and living?

I am not sure if quitting my job ( one that I spends most time on) is the solution to this misery ( and it will trigger other . So, before I throw the towel and quit my job of 12 years, I want to make sure that I am at a right place. With God and with myself. With faith and renewed strength and hope and assurance of what is to come.

So I turned to God. I have prayed countless times but in all honesty, I do not exactly know what I want and what I expect God to say or give. It feels that I am ordering from a menu of a different language, hoping that what comes is satisfactory to me. Expectations, reality, contentment, frame of mind.... it's all a blur. God's will, God's pleasure, God's intent, God's design.... it's all good but what is in for me?

Today, I was in an online sermon and this verse was shared. Do not be conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by renewing of your mind.

So I asked God ( & myself),

1. How do I achieve transformation through renewal of the mind?

2. How on earth do I renew my mind? Renew to what?

3. How to test and approve what God's will is. I dun even have an inclination, how to test and where to get approval? What is the will? 

4. Lead me to your good , pleasing & perfect will.

Lord, I pray that as I mediate on these words. Let your voice be loud and your will be known. I absolutely have no idea what to do, for my mind to be renewed and to be renewed permanently and not momentarily with the changing patterns of this world.  Show me your paths and affirm my heart when it is revealed and that I do not lead a wasted, doubtful, faithless, resigned life that when I look back and depart, there is nothing good. 

Let me be energized and lead me to your good, pleasing and perfect will. I pray and trust that the timing of your revelations will be perfect; that it will not tire me and I will sin against you but it will keep me in faith and hope and be of good cheer as I wait it out.

I do not know what it is. I do not know what I want. I do not what I want is it good for me. Therefore I uplife this pek chek prayer to you, knowing that when I lose words, your Holy spirit prays for me.

What I want to feel! LOL.

  

CROSSROADS at FORTY

I believe at certain point in my life, I must do something different. Different may mean, brave, noble, inspiring or just plain stupid. I tend to do the plain stupid stuff very well - like almost if you googled, who does the best at stupidity, my name and my horrible angled photo will be surfaced.

Turning 40 turned the alarm ringing - it's just that I do not know what the ringing is for. Was it an indication to switch something off or a reminder to turned something on.I am taking 6 months away from work to figure that out.

Wish me luck. This is a six months journey - documenting my "liberating days" as a full time mother who stays at home with a mother in law no less. More myself less of others. Or is it More of others less of myself? Not sure - as you know, I do not have a game plan.

Will I be a better person?

Will I find destiny?

Will I be fulfilled?

Will my children be sane?

Will my MIL run away from home?

Will I be bored?

Will I be purposeful?


Will find out in July.

Breaking the silence

For slightly over a year, my blog space has been a mere state of abandonment & waste. A pity because I honestly enjoy reading what I wrote - because it brought back so many memories, conversations and thoughts in many different seasons of my life.

The updates:

Myles turned 10 next month. As part of his growing up, I try not to call him Maoster anymore and thought that as an acknowledgement of him growing up - he should be called his given name.

He is the shortest in class but I must say look one of the cutest as well. While many of his friends are morphing into a tween, he pretty much is still an innocent, wide eyed boy. Pretty much mild in nature and "harmless" although he can be one of the most muddle head boy I have never met. The complains are the same - he is messy, forgetful, lazy and has the worst motor skills you can find in a 10 year old. He is, however, gifted by us, plentiful of humour, extremely animated and quite a chatter. The most exciting thing in his life now would probably be his choir Japan trip that is happening next month just days away from his P4 final year exams. Well, one of the most exciting thing that is happening in my life at that moment would be super worried about his final year examinations! Having said that, I have to remind myself that an education should be all rounded and not purely based on academics achievements and with that as my belief, I should be thankful that he got chosen to represent his school choir to go so far away ( yay! no homework supervision for me for 10 days!).

Magnificent Myles@ almost 10 years old.

Callum is turning 4 in December this year. He is a battle that we fight every single day and a lullaby that we sing to each new dawn. He is impossible to please and has quite a mind of his own. His motor skills, contrary to his brother's, is exemplary. From the use of chopsticks, to jigsaw puzzles, to blocks and nerf guns construction and re-construction, he is a master of all. However, he has no patience for writing, reading and anything that ermmmmm we defined as "academics matters".

As we had quite a "SNAG" for our firstborn, Callum brings many refreshing perspectives of a man's man. Therefore, with his personality and disposition, we crave for his affections & praises as if he is the adult and we the child.  He is feisty and passionate and we love him fiercely at the same time.

Courageous Callum @ almost 4 years old.

US

We are celebrating our 12th wedding anniversary this weekend. I thank God that my marriage is the only "boring' thing that has little to be updated. Aung, being who he is, continues to be the supportive, loving and dedicated spouse and dad. He is a little chattier over the years and we remain opposite in many of our thoughts, behaviours and temperaments but we are grounded with grace and hope in God and of God.

Aung with his offsprings - they are so in love with his dad that I get envious sometimes.

 

Work has been full of ups and downs. New role, new challenge and this season but the constant yearnings are the same: Retirement or Tai- Tai hood. Both out of reach so off to the grind, I must!


Generally, I have not been deprived. Of food, money, laughters & kindness. Therefore, I must be grateful for this season as I tend to be whiny and all.

Ending with the latest video of the offsprings. I wish they dun grow up so fast.

 

Are you missing the "shoes"?

This is NOT the Cinderella story although what I was hoping for was exactly a Cinderella's ending - A HAPPY EVER AFTER.

Aung and I have been married for coming 11 years and we dated for 7 and that make us in today's fast paced and ever changing environment a pretty darn long time. I cannot remember honestly how was life before him, nor am I ever thinking how will my life be in the future with him. In fact, I do not think very much about him. As a person, as a partner, as a lover, as a dad, as a friend. Honestly, I stopped "thinking". It is pretty much like, you stopped tracking how much water you drink per day or how many times did you pee in a day. You know you do it and you know the importance of it but you just do not put your mind into something so "basic".

Then, there are the offsprings. And other people's offsprings ( almost 120 of them this Semester). Then there is the "new role" at work that is on my mind. I mean there are 101 things going on my mind and yet there is nothing on my mind (it is very complex, I tell you this grey matter of mine). In the end, I realized, between my Aung and I we stopped. In the middle of all this building a home, raising children and hope, the "exchanges" stopped, the "conversations" stopped. Without us knowing, the fizz in the coke is gone!

I didn't know it until Clarks told me so.

Aung bought a pair of shoes 2 weeks ago. It was a pair of tracking shoes he bought (tracking????) and after that, he placed it in the study room. On Monday, we went to J8 to get dinner and told him that his work shoes are a wreck and we should pop in to buy a pair of shoes if we have time. So we went to Hush puppies and he got a pair of shoes and we walked around and I asked him if he would want to get another pair of casual shoes and stuff like that and we went back home. When we reached home, Aung's mom exclaimed, " Why did we get another pair of shoes when Aung just bought a pair of new shoes?" She had assumed, I know about the shoes.

The shoes? What shoes? Aung took them out from the study room and showed me his "tracking" shoes and said, " they are not my usual shoes. I was thinking about them. They were on sale. I didn't know what to do with them and he laughed."  I wasn't laughing.

Something stirred in me that night. I couldn't quite sleep. No, I wasn't upset that Aung had bought a "senseless" pair of shoes. What shocked me was that, he didn't talk to me about buying the pair of shoes, He didn't tell me that he was looking at the shoes when he was thinking about them. He didn't even mentioned it when we were looking at shoes the very evening. I was honestly upset that we stopped "living" together.

Was it his fault? Not really. Perhaps the "small things" in life are not worth mentioning anymore because we have BIGGER things ( like when is the date of the excursion for the boys that we better remember). We used to have sms exchanges throughout the day sharing about stupid things and exciting things but because of work and stuff ( sometimes we do not reply or it seems mundane), we stopped totally.

Was it my fault? Perhaps. I am always so drowned in my world or busy playing with my friends that I do not stop and listen or even communicate. When we discuss things, the "boss" in me will normally go straight to the solution or convey my decision that there is no need for discussion etc.


I told Aung how I felt and what I feel. Guess it is a good start. I am thankful and grateful that Aung is always willing to embark on the "better" of us with positivity and tenderness. He did not brush it off and say , " Come on woman, it was just a pair of shoes! Just get on with LIFE! There is absolutely nothing wrong with us?" Instead, he texted me that I am such a big part of my life and the most interesting bun around.

This is really something to reflect upon as we are celebrating our 11th wedding anniversary at the corner of this month. Coke is not coke without fizz.

That's what Clarks told me. Thank God for that stupid pair of tracking shoes - They definitely put back some stuff on track!

 

Someone pressed the pause button

and before I knew it this is the very first entry I made in 2015.

Many times when I experienced something in life and I thought, I should update my blog, another experience came and after waves of waves of experiences, I find no footprints on the sand. Nothing that I remembered of.

I better write before I forget these experiences and memories. Forget how my boys talk. The conversations we have. How I feel about people, how I felt about God. How living was all about.

To kickstart, I want to jot down this observation I made.

In our young senseless days ( I still would have done it today, so still as senseless but not at all that young), we made our bathroom door in our room transparent. Yes - you see it all. When you poo, when you pee, when you shower, when and where you scratch ( okay it is very clear now) all could be seen clearly.

We had that door ( to my MIL's dismay) and we loved it. We loved it because NO ONE can come into our room to use our toilet and bathroom without having to close our master bedroom entirely - and it seems rude to be inside someone's master bedroom ALONE. It is just not a Chinese thing.

What is so wickedly pleasurable defines how Aung and I interact as well. We just talk to each other even when we go do our intimate private affairs ( or defined as some people) and it spares out some private time for us especially when we lock our children out as it is (shame shame) to see someone bathe as they are growing up way too fast. ( we confessed that it is only recently that we drove them out but Callum is still allowed to roam free range).

Nonetheless the good times have to come to an end. When you know that the bigger purpose outweigh your personally delight and one just have to sacrifice. We laminate the glass door with another opaque sticker that covers the centre of the door ( basically the head till the knees cannot be seen) because it is TRUE that the boys will somehow barge in when I forget to lock the door or Callum will be screaming outside wanting to come into the room. Or Myles would want to stay in our room because that is the room we allow air-conditioning. NO ONE WANTS TO SEE A NAKED MOTHER. IT IS JUST NOT RIGHT TO SEE YOUR MOTHER NAKED. NOT WHEN SHE IS OVERWEIGHT!

Some funny observations were made after the transparent door was somewhat covered. Callum will squat right outside of the bathroom and peep in to talk to us. He is not used to this "not being able to see us" while talking to us. In case you think that he is the only one. Aung is also having a hard time adjusting to our new form of communication. The other day, he was talking to me while I was taking a shower and he opened the door and stood outside the opened door and talk to me. I asked him,"Why you opened the door? You can talk to me outside the door what! I can hear you." He laughed and said," I want to bare my feelings to you. I can only do it with bare doors. Now our door is not bare!"


Bare your feelings. This is the only way to communicate. To see each other in the most "naked" form is healthy ( not literally and perhaps it is in the marriage context) and that's perhaps the only way to go.

 

If you think ONE is good enough...

Tomorrow Callum turns 2 and when we couldn't had enough of that mylo domination, time didn't allow us to savour more of that and insist that he had to grow up.

One of those Aung days...

We had dinner one day (all 4 of us ) since we skipped Maoster's Chinese Class. Of cos, Maoster was in the best of mood since he "escaped" from hell and therefore he welcomed any form of suggestion to what we are going to do for that evening. Anyway, he understands that his freedom came out of pure grace and he was eternally (reads 4 hours) grateful and was pleasant and smiley.

We decided to go to a not crowded cafe at this relatively new Thomson building ( don't ask me what name -I cannot remember) and they served breakfast whole day. The best part of the cafe was that it was 1. Not at all crowded. 2. They have an area where they have a sofa and a TV that played the cartoon Road Runner on the loop. It was great because it means I can successfully get rid of Maoster who is a TV addict and place Mylo on a baby chair and feed him with approprate food that keeps him interested ( hashbrowns and scrambled eggs).

We were rather relaxed.

When the food came, Aung gave a quarter of his waffles to Mylo and one quarter to me. In exchange, I gave him some of the rosti which I wasn't impressed with.

After 30 minutes, Maoster realises that our food arrived (he already had dinner since he was supposed to have chinese class at 7:30) and wanted to eat our food. I raised my brow - I was relunctant to give him MY FOOD.

Before I even need to give him my food (note my relunctance) - Aung had asked another empty plate and gave half of the sausage and some eggs to his firstborn.

15 minutes later, Maoster came back again, very pleased with the standard of food, asked for more helping. I raised my brows, and before I could say another thing, another quarter of Aung's waffles with maple syrup went to Maoster's plate.

Aung looked at me and smile, "The kids loved the food here! They are really enjoying!" ( I was more of thinking, he already ate, he is just being greedy etc....)

You know, it is days like this that I understood why I married Aung. He is always so giving and always happy and contented with us -with his children who always takes food/time/all things wonderful from him and his wife who is always guarding her food (I did ask him if he wanted to order another plate though!). He doesn't expect me to behave anything more than myself ( a glutton!) and he always laughs at us affectionately. "All of you, are silly animals - my best Maos and my funny bunny!"

There's alot of eating over at the Aungs.

 

Photography Smart

Mom's camera

Aung's camera

Myles stayed focused on what he thinks is the right place, looking at where both cameras DO NOT EXIST, happily in his world.
Me, forever, following the wrong light at the wrong time, always too slow or too fast but smiles anyway.
Callum so effortlessly nailed it all the time.
Speaks alot of our personalities and who is best at staying focused.




 

Fearful F word

and no it is not the 4 letter F word that you may be thinking about (but that is another fearful F word) but the word  "favourtism".  Oh yes, "favourtism" - loving another child MORE over the other child you have.

I am the youngest in the family alongside 2 other older siblings. I know favouritism exist -it didn't bothered me ( not in the BIG way nor did it bug me at all). I knew my mom's favourite was and still is my brother and my late dad's favourite was me. We (among our siblings because parents always denies it) knew about it, accepted it ( there wasn't any fierce fight against it anyway) and we grew up.

However, now that I am a mother of 2 very different children - it began to dawn to me that I treat both children differently.  I see you are having your very own speculations now.

Myles is still ( thankfully) a pretty mild kid. He is sensitive and strives to please and is quick to surrender to higher authorities. He articulates his thoughts and feelings pretty well and leaves us very little room to guess what is in his little mind. He thinks of the world (for now) a place of unicorns, rainbows, goodie good people ) and he wants to be in a better world ( no to animal abuse, off the air-con, be kind to other children etc) and tries his best to be part of contributing to the better world.
Sounds like a perfect child? Well, that is before he whines. Yes, Myles whines. He can annoy you pretty much by whining for what he does not have and why he cannot have.... his pretty much poor motor skills also means that he is not wearing his socks and uniform FAST enough ( Daddy intervenes every morning) and he is bad at opening stuff and putting in stuff etc. He is also ver S-L-O-W, meaning that he cannot be rushed and likes to take his own sweet time even during times of extreme time deficiency moments.

Callum on the other hand is the direct opposite. He is definitely not your mild kid - he does not strive to please but wants to be pleased. His actions articulates more than words (limited too) and all he wants to do now is to jump up and down and at every possible opportunity shouts ELMO on youtube. And, oh boy, he is fast. He is fast to grab his bag, put on his shoes and when he knocks his glass of water, he will run to get tissue to wipe it off. He does not wait for people to attend his matters, he takes matters in his own hands. And all these could be very draining for us. He is stubborn like mule and you can see it in his eyes, how determined he is to get things his ways.We are always one step behind him and we are like thinking how to outsmart him or to soften his heart on areas where we needed him to obey.

In all honesty, Callum at this stage of his life is very very irresistably cute. Because he is always not compliant, any little effort of him behaving, scores him many claps, hoorays and kisses. And this doesn't always seemed fair because Myles always behaves, and the rare moments of him deviating from the good road will lead stern discipline (reprimmands mostly). Myles also comes with homework baggages (unsaid academical stress) that makes him more work than ever in a different way than Callum (who has not started school).

It is precisely because of their obvious differences in characters and age gaps, I begin to make obvious efforts to ensure both boys have it fair and are appreciated for their differences.This can only be done with time alone with each child. If not, Aung will always get Myles and me, Callum because even as parents we have very different personalities and coping competency with each child.

Back to the F word.  Honestly, I dunno. There are days whereby Myles makes me so happy and gooey and all mushy and days whereby I find him so whiny. There are days whereby Callum makes me so excited and wide eyes with his kisses and cuddles and latest tricks - and days whereby he exhausts me especially when he tries to push his luck with the boundaries and I looked high and low for the OFF button on him.

Myles have NEVER said I love Callum but not him or that I have not been fair. Callum can't talk yet - good luck to me.

However, Myles comforts me when I have troubles with Callum and on the other hand, Callum energises me when I feel troubled with Myles and it is amazing how one child could compliment the other child and makes me a more complete parent. I dunno about the F word - I only know that there are good days and bad days with each child but I am clear that not a single day have passed that I do not see them as blessings in my life.



Happy pills.

 

Chinese Criminal

we both are.

Maoster and I.

I don't know what or when it all went downhill but according to him, his mother tongue is English.

" I am English. I am moving to England when I am older." Maoster declared. I raised my eyebrow and rolled my eyes at Aung.

There is obviously NO fairytale ending because, part of the school's curriculumn is to be competent in Chinese language. Even if the education system will try to find a shortcut for English tongues like Maoster - his mom will NOT hear of it. I am Chinese and I speak mandarin. I believe I am bilingual and we attend the chinese congregation in our church. There is beauty and so much treasure in this language. And, I cannot stand my offspring(s), drowning in chinese and suck at it - like failing the subject (almost, close or actually!)

That's how the prison begin work - at least 3 days a week for the past 1 month, there is mandatory 60 minutes with mom. We don't do much, we only make sure he can read all the words in the textbook and honestly it is not much but it is ALOT of madness for Maoster.

The prison walls are hard and cold. The sight and sounds are not pleasant and definitely not for the faint hearted.  Sometimes, visitations by family members are permitted - but they are short and swift ( and Mylo always ends up screaming and crying for he wants to be imprisoned as well).

Maoster and I both started out each session with renewed hope. It always mostly ended in a desperate need of consolation for both parties.

A common conversation will be:
" What is this word?"
"Errrr..... Is it XX? Is it XX?
" NO! Think again"
Maoster panics. My blood boils.
"Try again. Mummy have repeated this like 10 times!"
Maoster panics. His eyes widen, his hands are cold.
I raise my voice and gave the answer.
Maoster repeats the words trying hard to memorise it.
I asked again, he fails to recall the word.
I glared. I raise my voice. Tears flow.

Maoster is a prisoner of Chinese. Unless he knows and feels confidence about the language, he doesn't have the key to freedom and love for the language.

Everytime I raise my voice, I glare and especially when I see the tears flow. I become a criminal. I feel lousy, I feel guilty and  my heart breaks into a million pieces.

I try to end the session with a cuddle. I cuddle my son and tells him that he is doing a good job, that he is trying his best, that it is a difficult subject. I tell him that I love him and that I am doing all that for him.

I think that cuddle is more for me. I hope it frees me - from the fact that I made him a prisoner.

Chinese criminals, we both are. We hope to be free one day.

 

Only HEAVEN knows

Have you ever wonder what happens after you die? I often do, I guess human are the only ones that has eternity etched in our hearts. I mean, we often do not think that we will die and therefore we try so hard to live forever.

Lucky for me, I believe in eternal life through my faith. However, I do not know what exactly HEAVEN has in store. There are glimpses of what probably could be but, I guess it is beyond our capabiltiy to fanthom it all because, well, perhaps it is meant to be a SURPRISE ; similarly like a door gift perhaps?

Oh well, often I day dream. -this is one of my favourite past times ( there is no judging) and my IDEAL heaven ( GOD-WILLING) should preferably have:

A GIGANTIC SUPERMARKET

No, I am not insane. I would like to have a gigantic supermarket with the best produce, meat and variety of offerings. Butter, jam, cookies, chips, vegetables, fruits, meat, condiments and all..... and they  have to be absolutely FREE for all to shop and take.

GLORIOUS BEACHES

I hope there's time for sun bathing, swimming and doing absolutely nothing. Best if there would be chilled drinks that will never turn warm and ice cream that will never melt by the beach as well. There would be glorious sun tanning but never sunburnt!

ANIMALS ROAMING AROUND

Bears, cheetahs, pandas, rhinoceros, hippotamus roaming free around. Animals of all sizes and colours all around heaven. They all do not bite and hurt  but will still make their original sound. I DO NOT WANT THEM TO TALK LIKE HUMANS. That would be too much to take.

CLUBHOUSES

For gyms, game rooms ( taboo, risk, monopoly etc), karaoke rooms. You can take away golf course. I don't play golf and dun plan to play that game ( takes too much land, but is that a problem in heaven)

HOUSE WITH A GARDEN, ATTIC and BASEMENT

Self cleaning one please. With fantastic kitchen appliances and oven (I emphasis on the oven because I cannot live without one), bbq pit, king size bed and nice clean sheets. Must come with a big fridge and the garden must be thriving with herbs and produce (without much maintenence please).

PEOPLE WITH HUMOUR

I hope that people up there have a sense of humour. I hope they get my joke and laugh. Maybe they will be too nice not to laugh.

Of cos, darling Aung and Bun offsprings must be there to make my heaven complete.

What's your version of heaven?
 

PRIZED RECIPE

not because it is a proven recipe. Because one of my first students sent me a message with details of the recipe of his signature dish as a chef now with a sweet note that this would be my teacher's day gift - thanking me for my being a great teacher and a good friend to him. He said he message me during his break now.

When you touched lives, your very own life is touched in the most miraculous, wonderful and intimate way. I guess this is what this profession draws people - to be so vulnerable yet be so powerful at the same time ; to invite people into your own life and entering others.

CEREAL PRAWN RECIPE

1) heat the wok/pan 2) put in a little bit of oil and margarin.. abt a 50cent coin amount or margarin 3) put in egg yolk, 1 2 or 3 its up to you.. see how much 蛋丝 eu like 4) keep stiring in circular motion until alot of foaming bubbles comes up and off the fire ( if it foams but not alot, add in abit more oil ) 5) put in 2 - 3 teaspoon of sugar 6) throw in ur fried chicken or prawns 7) put in ur desired amount of cereal ( those common nestle brand will do ) 8) keep stiring until evenly mixed * step 5, 6, 7 and 8 should be done as fast as possible so the heat in the foam will retain and make de cereal crispy

My 5 year old students came to visit me this year at my place - guess who is the chef?

 

The clock is ticking...

for Mylo to know how to behave in a proper manner. No kicking, no shouting, sit when the car is moving, no throwing of toys, no biting and no no no no no no... to the thousand and one things that he is planning to do.

My very wise mother who took care of all 7 grandchildren told me when Mylo was 6 months old that he will wise up at 12 months. At 12 months old, she confidently said that at 18 months old, he will behave because he would be able to understand us better. Now at 20 months old, refusing to admit defeat, she says that maybe for Mylo, he needs to be 24 months old to really turn over a new leaf.

I am hardly optimistic. Looking at how things goes, I am really not quite sure if he will be the youngest child to be expelled from school. He is not really that BAD, but seriously STUBBORN. He only likes things his way. He only wants to be carried by me ( he shakes his head and screams his lungs off when Aung tries to carry him). He knows that weekday, he has no choice, so he wants NO ONE but my mother. He insists that games should be played according to his rules and his poor long suffering brother has to do all his biddings. He is very sure of what he wants and does not waiver at all to any temptations or "lies" that we tell him. He is always suspicioius if we do anything out of the norm and will storm off to his normal routine. He switches the TV himself, wipes off his own mess and basically likes to be in total control. We are currently, unfortunately in a way being controlled and slightly defeated. Yet, the only saving grace is that amongst all these hurricanes and waves of chaotic mess, the charms and cuteness of Mylo still dominates. Like bad love ( those that you tell your friends or children to quickly get themselves out of - abusive relationship, cheating partners, belitting attitudes), one cannot help but stick around hoping that at the end of the tunnel (24 MONTHS!), he will be loving, gentle, kind, subdued and so ever OBEDIENT!

I hope my mom is right. I mean, all mothers are supposed to be right, right????

 

Outdated Romance

Saturday, December 14, 2002

Dear Bun,

This is our diary... hopefully the start of a habit of writing thoughts about one another in a non - animal fighting way....

cheers...

What's your name?

Today in class, I taught the students about branding - the importance of it and why companies are spending millions of money trying to build a brand name. With that, I also ask my students what do they think of their own name. They had lots of fun telling me the associations they had with some names - say "ROBERT",  "ANGELINE", "ISABELLA", "GRACE" etc.

I remember that nailing down that name for my children was one of the most painful and well most time consuming first few decisions that a parent had to make for their children. Being chinese doesn't help - apart from English name, we have chinese names and we also have a dialect name that our children can have.

Similarly to "What should I wear for my Prom Party", people HAVE lots of things they want to say about your decision of your child's name. Sometimes, they do not say, but their facial expressions tell you all and then you sort of will think twice and put it in your list of names for the family pet instead list.

To make things easier, let's just analyse my boys' names.

My firstborn was named Myles (pronounced as Miles). Many people will like, " what is your son's name again? They try to pronounce it with some luck or no luck at all. Then, it makes me wonder,

1) DON'TANYONE SING THAT SONG?

If you miss the train I'm on, You will know that I'm gone, You can hear the whistle blow 100 miles. Lord I'm 1, Lord I'm 2, Lord I'm 3, Lord I'm 4, Lord, I'm 500 miles away from home.

Myles or Miles is a common word that does not require you to frown for days and go "huh, huh, huh" all the time.

2) PHONICS CLASS PERHAPS?

Because, miles is not MOUSE. I can accept it if you are like 3 year old but if you are 30 and you still crack that, MOUSE AH? MICKEY MOUSE AH? Then basically I do not know what to do with you but send you for phonics class.

The meaning of Myles:
In Latin it means, "Soldier" and that basically means that I want my boy to be a fighter, to win wars. For God, for men, for himself. To defend, to love, to protect ( his faith, his family, his beliefs, his passion)

Of course, of late, I googled and realised that there could be another meaning of Myles which is " Uncertain, perhaps peaceful" that I burst out laughing because, Myles adopts more to this name at his phase of life right now because, he is always in his world, dreaming, thinking, imagining and although I call him blur, he probably feels rather at peace and feeling peaceful.

My 2nd child is named Callum.

That is pretty straight forward. Less pronouciation pain for people -it is of Scottish origin and it means 'DOVE" . Peace loving and all kindness encompassing. I do hope that no one calls him "COLUMN" and if they do, I blame it on our Singapore's educational system which I am a part of.

Painstakingly, I chose my names for my boys. I hope one day when they grow up they will not-

1) reply, "I DO NOT KNOW WHY MY PARENTS GAVE ME THAT NAME"
2) ask, " MUMMY, IS IT OKAY IF I CHANGE MY NAME?
3) become, A COWARD as opposed to a soldier or a TYRANT ANNOYING BRAT THAT DESTROYS rather than being a dove that brings peace and gentleness. 

TENtatively

Aungs are turning legally 10 this year in September. Although, rather weirdly, we cannot find our marriage certificate and therefore although we are legally married and binded together, there is NO way I can proof it to you unless I pay to get a duplicate copy of our certificate.

I digress. The main reason of me even blogging about it is, I have been thinking, that since it is our tenth year, I really wanna do something to celebrate our persistence in being together and writing it down should be the best way to organise thoughts (and so I teach). Going on a holiday has been on my mind but parental duties seemed to be in the way. Not only that stupid F1 will definitely make hotel rates sky high in Sept if we are planning a staycation (Ironically, my school or rather my dept  is largely responsible for the F1 happening in Singapore). And I want to be happy. If I wait for Aung to plan ( or not to plan), I will end up miserable and feeling unloved and all. So I am coming up with 10 things that I  we should do sans the children.

1. Dress up and go for dinner at a nice restaurant.
2. Go for a swim and enjoy some sun
3. Watch a decent adult movie that does not come with any morale values. Give me violence, give me blood, give me some sexual scenes and oh baby, I wanna hear some F word. You sort of get it?
4. Go shopping. Try on some clothes instead of buying them online. Try some shoes, try some accessories, get some sanity and wear some socks without holes in them.
5. Wake up without being woken up. Enough said.
6. Watch TV till I fall asleep.
7. I would like to do some massage but Aung hates it. So massage is OFF.
7. Go out late at night and have some wine. Get drunk. Get laid and then do point 5.
8. ?
9.?
10?

This is absolutely spot on. I have NO idea and this is really BAD!

It is so hard to think of 10 things to do!!!!!!!

Gosh, I think we will just end up with 1 and then wait for the next decade to try to do this stuff again. Or anyone who actually reads my  blog has any suggestions? Wait, does ANYONE actually reads my blog? Or is it only me and void and this space. Say hi? Okay.... u are not there.... okay... NO ONE is actually there......just like my 10 to do list.

I should just stop writing because it is NOT helping me to organise my thoughts and find me 10 things to do!


 

When the sun comes down on you

what can you do?

That was what we thought when Jon's mother had a series of medical issues that started with a fall, then giddy spells, the weak legs and the 1 week stay at the hospital.

Suddenly I looked at the 72 years old with a different light. Somewhat warmer light.

Since I became an Aung, we have always lived with her. She is quiet and shy and very highly opinionated in her strong, quiet ways. I would say we have lived quite well together, because she has pretty much left us alone. Her independence and her love for her child would be what I will remember her by if the fateful day comes.

We are glad that the fateful day did not come as yet, that the Lord had been compassionate enough to allow more good years of her with us. However, suddenly thoughts of the roles reversing and that we have to take an active role is not one that does not send shivers down my spine. We are looking at a domestic helper in the years to come and as well as more medical options for her. All these comes not only with additional costs to our already pretty hard commitments but emotionally and physically, it will be rather draining. This is woe of an only child. Well, if Aung had experienced 100% of everything that need not be shared by another sibling, it is then right that he also take 100% of his mother in her golden days. This past few weeks made my MIL a more emotional person than a logical person that she normally is - she praises me more often and behaves more affectionate with the grandchildren. I wonder at the end of my time on earth, how would I be?

The dragon old lady with her dragon warrior.

When the sun comes down on you, well you can also run. ( lame, I know but I am lame after the run too)

Sundown 2014 was the first run after The new 2.4km attempt. Since January this year, I have been trying to keep up with an exercise regimen. Thanks to my new school that comes with almost everything (gym, pool, track & colleagues that are exercise freaks), I am somewhat conditioned to exercise. Of cos, no one exercises for the sake of health! There has been some results although I guess the results might be better if I change my diet. But, that is never going to happen. Laksa & prata is my staple for bf and although I know this will lead me to never changing my wardrobe but at least I stay true to my local delights.

Anyway, my goal for Sundown 10km was not to stop running. Previously when I did my first 10km 4 years ago, I stopped at 6km. This time round I never stopped running till the very end. I was slow, it was more like a slow jog but I am happy and proud of what I had achieve.

So what made the difference in 4 years? I guess they were:

1. Sundown was really more cooling. There was no harsh sun that really almost killed anyone. I was baked, scorched and miserable. This time, I could still experience some bouts of cold breeze and without the glaring sun, you also feel like running home to sleep sooner!

2. Better runners. I ran with my colleagues who are far better runners. They ran way ahead of me but were super encouraging with my slow but steady strategy. Knowing that they are ahead of me, made me wanna run so that they will not wait for me, screaming, "Where is Becks? Did she run away to some fried chicken store?"

3.Six months of regular exercising. I made it a point to go to the gym or run at least twice a week. Guess my heart got stronger and my bacon legs were more resilient.

Before flag off with my mates. I am the only FAT one.

When the sun sets, I know the sun will rise again.

 

Writer. Dreamer. Child of God.

I am not talking about myself.

With the Mylo-domination going around the Aung family, I think it is only right not to forget that I have a brilliant and endearing 8 year old to be, who is growing up rather nicely.

WRITER:

NEIGHBOURHOOD WALK EXPERIENCE

Last Tuesday, we were really excited. Do you know why? It (is)was because we were going for a neighborhood walk! We were dismissed for a while, then we waited outside the canteen. I was so excited!
I was surprised that when we were told to walk, we saw many things. But there were so many things that I could not list because I would waste paper. So as I was saying, we walked and walked till I felt that my legs were dropping off! I was so thirsty, that I would drink toilet water! We stopped by post box and I got really excited! After we mailed our letters, I was so tired .(more tired than the word dropping legs). I wanted to go back to school, but my wish was not granted.
Is it? Yes! Mdm Nora said that we were going back to school! So, hope was not lost after all. When we reached school, I felt dehydrated! When I went to the canteen, the first thing I did was to buy a drink. How refreshing!
I hope you will not go for a neighborhood walk unless you are a sports person because you will walk and feel dehydrated just like me. Goodbye, for now.

THE BRAINLESS BIRD

Watch out for it. Waiting for teacher's marking.

JOURNAL OF MAO

When mom steals it.

DREAMER

Maoster has great imaginations. He dreams of funny tales and the great future. The other day, he came back from visiting one of his favourite doctors and pondered over the possibility of being a doctor. I asked him if he really wanted to be one, he probably needs a medicine degree. He asked me IF I want him to be a doctor. He said," I'll do it mom, if you really want me to." I believed him when he said that and I immersed in that magical moment of "mom-son"world for I know I would lose more of such when he grows up slowly and also quickly.

Sometimes he would even ask where he should go as his educational path develops - to the JC or Poly. I know this sounds really weird for a boy who have not even gone through PSLE (isn't it a bit too soon to even contemplate the options?) but my special boy could even tell me the difference - Poly courses are modular basis, meaning that there is no ONE major exam but you are tested throughout the years. JC, however need you to pass this MAJOR exam so it seems more stressful. Chances of going to the university seemed higher with the JC path but with poly, you really need to be top students.
He probably talked to someone. Not me. He comes to me only for food, fun and some cuddles.


Child of God.

It took me years and am still learning about God's soverignity over my desires. Aung's mom fell and hurt real bad on the eye and was sent to the hospital A&E department for doctor's examination and a CT scan. While we were at home, I gather Maoster and ask him to lead the prayer for grandma. This was his prayer (from what I remember of),

" God, we know you care for us. We know you care for Nai Nai (Grandm). Nai Nai fell and had a really really really really really bad bruise. She is now going to have a scan and I hope that there will not be any blood inside her head. If, really, after the scan, there is blood, we will still love you. But, I will grieve for Nai Nai."

I think it is a beautiful, mature prayer. In God's timing, in God's hands. We just commit and trust that God knows what is the best. This is not a "resigned" prayer, but one of great faith and understanding that our God who sees the beginning and the end have designed the best plans for us.

Letting his finger decide his ice-cream flavour. I knew he cheated.

I really wonder how my first-born will turn out in the future. I unveil it with fear, anticipation and excitement. I guess, I probably need lots of prayers and patience and to always remind myself that he belongs to God and that my job is to make sure I return to God what he had given me in good condition!


 

Successful Parenting Tip (Again!)

Following my successful mom tips some weeks ago, Aung had his fair share of good tips to share. We are wonderful parents, so please watch and learn.

Whenever Aung walks Mylo after his dinner (to give my mom's sanity a reason to return), he ALWAYS return with a sleeping baby. We are always very impressed that the ball of energy would hibernate and peace and tranquility could resume for all. Aung always emerged like a hero that had strike down this ferorious bear that had caused damage to the village - It honestly feels like that. We will cheer and squeal with delight!

A few days ago, Mylo was at his best, in terms of stretching his physical and energy capacity. He napped only for ONE PRECIOUS HOUR and refused to sleep anymore. This means, he is, roaming around, waiting to be entertained, fed and changed and up to his activities the entire day. When I returned home from work that day, my mom IMMEDIATELY summoned me to bring him for a walk. In almost the exact words of my mom (translated), " Do what your husband does, bring him for a walk and bring him back ASLEEP!"

That's what I did, rather confidently. I called Aung and told him that I will be bringing Mylo for a walk for some sleep inducement program. Aung said,"Yup, bring him to walk, he surely will sleep."

I  brought him to walk around the neighbourhood. I brought him to the junior college right behind my mom's and walk around the premise. We watched students played basketball. He coo-ed at most of the stuff, pointed in delight that I brought him to the junior college and then even attempted to play basketball with the students. After an hour - he was NOT ASLEEP. In fact, he was really ON FIRE, walking round the basketball courts and chasing after basketballs with screaming students who fear that the ball might just fly at him and strike him dead.

I went home with my failed mission and a wide awake baby. My mom's first reaction was," WHAT!" She would have packed her luggage and left if she didn't have to feed the hamsters and terrapins.

Aung came home and of cos I passed Mylo to him IMMEDIATELY. On the way home, I was complaining to Aung that Mylo didn't sleep when he was with me for an hour walk, I felt like a failure!

Then as if he was hit by the frisbee, Aung excitedly exclaimed, " OH, I FORGOT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING WHEN U CALLED. WHEN YOU BRING HIM TO WALK, DO NOT TALK TO HIM, KEEP PATTING HIS HEAD AND AVOID EYE CONTACT AT ALL COST!"

Then I realised, my darling mylo slept because he was BORED with his father. That was the tip of the day. BORE YOUR CHILD TO SLEEP. This is Aung's parenting tip for all.

Founder of "bore your child to sleep" and success story

Wishing you a very successful parenting journey.

Meaningful Work, Work Meaningfully.

I enjoy working with students on projects that touches hearts - but more importantly I want these projects to touch the hearts of my students above all. Yes, through such community projects, the recipients do get something - but I always find that it is those who gives that gains the most. It is true that it is indeed more blessed to give than to receive and I will Amen  to this. When my students' hearts are touched and when they have experienced the joy of giving, hopefully this would create a spark that could enable a flaming torch to bring warmth and joy to the people around them. As I always tell them, practice makes perfect and even doing good takes lots of practice.